If the Cost Based Optimizer was a car, what would its bumper sticker say?

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Here are my entries for the Optimizer Bumper Stickers competition that Maria Colgan started on Twitter. Tweet your entry to @SQLMaria #optimizerbumperstickers by May 31.

@SQLMaria HONK if you have histograms #optimizerbumperstickers

@SQLMaria CBO & RBO 2012 #optimizerbumperstickers https://store.barackobama.com/obama-biden-bumper-sticker-combo.html

@SQLMaria I SCREAM, you SCREAM, we all SCREAM for histograms #optimizerbumperstickers http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7rK3s_BP9kE

@SQLMaria NOBODY KNOWS THE SQL I’VE SEEN #optimizerbumperstickers http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SVKKRzemX_w

@SQLMaria PROUD PARENT OF A CHILD CURSOR #optimizerbumperstickers

@SQLMaria A HISTOGRAM, a HISTOGRAM, my KINGDOM for a HISTOGRAM! #optimizerbumperstickers http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=g2gqtmLchGM

@SQLMaria WE DON’T NEED NO STINKIN’ HINTS! #optimizerbumperstickers http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VqomZQMZQCQ

@SQLMaria TO DREAM THE OPTIMAL PLAN #optimizerbumperstickers http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RfHnzYEHAow

@SQLMaria WHAT A FRIEND WE HAVE IN C B O #optimizerbumperstickers

@SQLMaria HASHING, AND MERGING, AND NESTING! OH, MY! #optimizerbumperstickers http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NecK4MwOfeI

@SQLMaria LOVE ME, LOVE MY PLANS #optimizerbumperstickers

@SQLMaria WILL WORK FOR STATS #optimizerbumperstickers

Explosive Revelations about Dr. Edgar (Ted) Codd rock the NoSQL World

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FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE

Explosive Revelations about Dr. Edgar (Ted) Codd rock the NoSQL World

San Francisco (April 1, 2012) – An explosive article titled A Relational Model of Data for Large Shared Data Banks published in the 100th issue of the NoCOUG Journal reveals that the late founder of the relational movement Dr. Edgar (Ted) Codd (August 23, 1923–April 18, 2003) also founded the NoSQL movement. On the last page of the article, we find the first ever exposition of the BASE paradigm (Basically Available, Soft State, Eventually Consistent) of NoSQL.

“There are, of course, several possible ways in which a system can detect inconsistencies and respond to them. In one approach the system checks for possible inconsistency whenever an insertion, deletion, or key update occurs. Naturally, such checking will slow these operations down. If an inconsistency has been generated, details are logged internally, and if it is not remedied within some reasonable time interval, either the user or someone responsible for the security and integrity of the data is notified. Another approach is to conduct consistency checking as a batch operation once a day or less frequently. Inputs causing the inconsistencies which remain in the data bank state at checking time can be tracked down if the system maintains a journal of all state-changing transactions. This latter approach would certainly be superior if few non-transitory inconsistencies occurred.”

Checking for possible inconsistency whenever an insertion, deletion, or key update occurs will slow these operations down.

An analysis of Dr. Codd’s writings from the last century also reveal Codd’s little concealed distaste for SQL. For example, he devotes the whole of Chapter 23 of The Relational Model for Database Management: Version 2 to a no-holds-barred criticism of SQL.

Dr. Codd did not win any followers during his lifetime but there are now more than 100 NoSQL products that espouse his principles.

For more on this breaking story, stay tuned to our sister station.

Obama Criticized For Living In Lavish Mansion While Most Americans Struggle To Make Ends Meet

Secret of Oracle Database Performance Found in 1897 Sears Roebuck Catalog

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Redwood City (April 1, 2011) – In between mouthfuls of raw tofu slices delicately dressed with chili oil and shredded seaweed, Oracle CEO Larry Ellison related his game-changing epiphany about database performance.

“My personal ivory buyer was showing me a picture of ivory chopsticks in the 1897 Sears Roebuck catalog when I noticed the following words at the back of the catalog: IF YOU DON’T FIND IT IN THE INDEX, LOOK VERY CAREFULLY THROUGH THE ENTIRE CATALOG.

That’s when the truth hit me like a ton of bricks. Physical database design is hard. There are few good books about it. Why should our loyal customers spend a lot of money on database consultants when they can spend an equal amount of money on Oracle software and hardware instead. We could tell ’em to stop worrying about indexes, clustering, partitioning, and materialization and sell ’em a big honkin’ piece of hardware that can simply scan entire tables every time.”

Mr. Ellison went on: “It’s not that we haven’t tried the traditional route. Consider Multidimensional Clustering for example. We’ve offered it from day one but the only places it is ever used are the Oracle data dictionary and our own TPC-C benchmarks. It’s time to admit that our customers are right and to give them what they want, not what they need.”

When asked how he came up with the “Smart Scan” moniker for what was formerly called a full table scan, Mr. Ellison was equally candid. “When other companies sell fish, they bill it as dead fish. We call it sushi.”

When told that a certain database maverick named Iggy Fernandez had started writing a book with the ridiculously long title of “Expert Oracle Indexing, Clustering, Partitioning, and Materialization for Performance and Scalability in Oracle Database 11g Release 2” that he hopes to release in time for OpenWorld 2011, Mr. Ellison let out a derisive snort and predicted that Mr. Fernandez was unlikely to get rich from it. When contacted for comment, Mr. Fernandez reluctantly agreed with Mr. Ellison’s prediction and quoted American poet laureate Robert Frost “Two roads diverged in a wood, and I—I took the one less traveled by.”

For more on this breaking story, stay tuned to our sister station.

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