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Explosive Revelations about Dr. Edgar (Ted) Codd rock the NoSQL World

March 31, 2012 2 comments

FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE

Explosive Revelations about Dr. Edgar (Ted) Codd rock the NoSQL World

San Francisco (April 1, 2012) – An explosive article titled A Relational Model of Data for Large Shared Data Banks published in the 100th issue of the NoCOUG Journal reveals that the late founder of the relational movement Dr. Edgar (Ted) Codd (August 23, 1923–April 18, 2003) also founded the NoSQL movement. On the last page of the article, we find the first ever exposition of the BASE paradigm (Basically Available, Soft State, Eventually Consistent) of NoSQL.

“There are, of course, several possible ways in which a system can detect inconsistencies and respond to them. In one approach the system checks for possible inconsistency whenever an insertion, deletion, or key update occurs. Naturally, such checking will slow these operations down. If an inconsistency has been generated, details are logged internally, and if it is not remedied within some reasonable time interval, either the user or someone responsible for the security and integrity of the data is notified. Another approach is to conduct consistency checking as a batch operation once a day or less frequently. Inputs causing the inconsistencies which remain in the data bank state at checking time can be tracked down if the system maintains a journal of all state-changing transactions. This latter approach would certainly be superior if few non-transitory inconsistencies occurred.”

Checking for possible inconsistency whenever an insertion, deletion, or key update occurs will slow these operations down.

An analysis of Dr. Codd’s writings from the last century also reveal Codd’s little concealed distaste for SQL. For example, he devotes the whole of Chapter 23 of The Relational Model for Database Management: Version 2 to a no-holds-barred criticism of SQL.

Dr. Codd did not win any followers during his lifetime but there are now more than 100 NoSQL products that espouse his principles.

For more on this breaking story, stay tuned to our sister station.

Obama Criticized For Living In Lavish Mansion While Most Americans Struggle To Make Ends Meet

Categories: April Fools' Day, Humor, NoSQL, SQL

Secret of Oracle Database Performance Found in 1897 Sears Roebuck Catalog

April 1, 2011 5 comments

Redwood City (April 1, 2011) – In between mouthfuls of raw tofu slices delicately dressed with chili oil and shredded seaweed, Oracle CEO Larry Ellison related his game-changing epiphany about database performance.

“My personal ivory buyer was showing me a picture of ivory chopsticks in the 1897 Sears Roebuck catalog when I noticed the following words at the back of the catalog: IF YOU DON’T FIND IT IN THE INDEX, LOOK VERY CAREFULLY THROUGH THE ENTIRE CATALOG.

That’s when the truth hit me like a ton of bricks. Physical database design is hard. There are few good books about it. Why should our loyal customers spend a lot of money on database consultants when they can spend an equal amount of money on Oracle software and hardware instead. We could tell em to stop worrying about indexes, clustering, partitioning, and materialization and sell em a big honkin’ piece of hardware that can simply scan entire tables every time.”

Instructions in the 1897 Sears Roebuck catalog

Mr. Ellison went on: “It’s not that we haven’t tried the traditional route. Consider Multidimensional Clustering for example. We’ve offered it from day one but the only places it is ever used are the Oracle data dictionary and our own TPC-C benchmarks. It’s time to admit that our customers are right and to give them what they want, not what they need.”

When asked how he came up with the “Smart Scan” moniker for what was formerly called a full table scan, Mr. Ellison was equally candid. “When other companies sell fish, they bill it as dead fish. We call it sushi.”

When told that a certain database maverick named Iggy Fernandez had started writing a book with the ridiculously long title of “Expert Oracle Indexing, Clustering, Partitioning, and Materialization for Performance and Scalability in Oracle Database 11g Release 2” that he hopes to release in time for OpenWorld 2011, Mr. Ellison let out a derisive snort and predicted that Mr. Fernandez was unlikely to get rich from it. When contacted for comment, Mr. Fernandez reluctantly agreed with Mr. Ellison’s prediction and quoted American poet laureate Robert Frost “Two roads diverged in a wood, and I—I took the one less traveled by.”

For more on this breaking story, stay tuned to our sister station.

Oracel CEO Tearfully Promises Reform

Multidimensional Clustering (MDC) in Oracle Database: Can Exadata Beat This?

Categories: April Fools' Day, DBA, Humor, Oracle, SQL

Dilbert Was A Database Administrator (Part II)

Click here for Part I of this series

Databases have figured dozens of times in Dilbert cartoons. My favorite is Dogbert defeats the database guru (November 9, 1995). Here are some more Dilbert cartoons featuring databases:

Dilbert likes databases a lot (February 27, 1996)
Dilbert solves every problem with a database (February 28, 1996)
How the pointy-haired manager chooses a database product (November 17, 1995)
How the pointy-haired manager buys a database product (December 16, 1996)
How the pointy-haired manager deploys a database product (December 17, 1996)

Categories: DBA, Humor

Oracel CEO Tearfully Promises Reform


FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE

Oracel CEO Tearfully Promises Reform

Neverland (April 1, 2010) – Speaking to reporters by satellite phone from aboard his brand new yacht during a provisioning stop on the sunny isle of Neverland, Oracel CEO Larry Ellis tearfully promised that Oracel would consider mending its ways someday.

When asked to explain the abrupt about face, Larry Ellis picked up a well-thumbed copy of the Oracel 7 Server ™ Concepts Manual and solemnly intoned the opening quote from the chapter on data concurrency: A foolish consistency is the hobgoblin of little minds, adored by little statesmen and philosophers and divines.”

When contacted for further comment, Oracel President Charles Philippe shook his head sadly and suggested that Larry had been breathing too much salt air. Quoth he: With consistency a great soul has simply nothing to do. He may as well concern himself with his shadow on the wall. Speak what you think now in hard words; and to-morrow speak what to-morrow thinks in hard words again, though it contradict every thing you said to-day.”

For more on this breaking story, stay tuned to our sister station.

PostgreSQL to remove SQL support from the 9.1 release

Categories: April Fools' Day, Humor

Dilbert Was A Database Administrator (Part I)

March 7, 2010 1 comment

Databases have figured dozens of times in Dilbert cartoons. My favorite is Dogbert defeats the database guru (November 9, 1995). Here are some more Dilbert cartoons featuring databases:

Asok rewrites the Elbonian database with just six keystrokes (December 21, 1996)
Asok creates a database of serial killers (March 23, 1998)
Asok learns the hard way (November 28, 2004)
Asok destroys the customer database (February 13, 2005)
Asok learns how to avoid work (July 10, 2005)
Asok corrects the pointy-haired boss (December 14, 2005)

Funny.

Categories: DBA, Humor
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