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Cupcake Wars at NoCOUG Spring Conference


FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE

Cupcake Wars at NoCOUG Spring Conference on May 15 at UCSC Extension Silicon Valley

SILICON VALLEY (APRIL 1, 2014) – In a bold experiment aimed at increasing attendance at its awesome educational conferences, the Northern California Oracle Users Group (NoCOUG) is considering changing the format of its spring conference to that of Food Network’s “Cupcake Wars.”

Distinguished Oracle Product Manager Bryn Llewellyn will lead the PL/SQL team, OraPub founder Craig Shallahamer will lead the DBA team, Hadoop maven Gwen Shapira will lead the Big Data team, and Database Specialists Director of Managed Services Terry Sutton will lead the RAC team. NoCOUG president Hanan Hit will stride from one room to another shouting “TEN MINUTES, BAKERS! YOU HAVE TEN MINUTES LEFT!

“NoCOUG has been serving the Oracle community for 28 years but our conferences are best known for their awesome educational content. We want our conferences to also be a place where people can come together on a social level” said NoCOUG president Hanan Hit when asked for comment.

Registration for the spring conference is now open. Click here to view the complete agenda and register.

Also in today’s news:

  • Want to make easy money? “Airbrb,” based on the apartment-renting app Airbnb, lets you rent out your office desk while you hang out at the water cooler or take a bio break.
  • Convert any website into emoticon characters: Google now lets you emojify the web.

Oracle 12c Gives Fresh Life to the Relational Database Movement

Explosive Revelations about Dr. Edgar (Ted) Codd rock the NoSQL World

Secret of Oracle Database Performance Found in 1897 Sears Roebuck Catalog

Oracle 12c Gives Fresh Life to the Relational Database Movement

Originally posted on So Many Oracle Manuals, So Little Time:

FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE

San Francisco (April 1, 2013) – In a dramatic move calculated to give fresh life to the moribund relational database movement, the latest version of Oracle Corporation’s flagship database has eliminated the famous “join penalty” by making it possible to store rows from multiple relational tables in the same database block. There are two flavors of the feature: hash clusters and indexed clusters. Database aficionado Iggy Fernandez has this to say about the feature: “Even Homer Simpson and his Springfield buddies are aware that Oracle Database supports the relational model. However, it is not universally known that Oracle Database 12c also supports the document model. Hash clusters and indexed clusters are critical building blocks of Document/Relational duality, an extension of the physical data independence proposed by Dr. Edgar Codd (1923–2003), the creator of the relational model. Document/Relational duality means that data in an Oracle…

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Categories: April Fools' Day, NoSQL, Oracle, SQL

Oracle 12c Gives Fresh Life to the Relational Database Movement

March 31, 2013 4 comments

FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE

San Francisco (April 1, 2013) – In a dramatic move calculated to give fresh life to the moribund relational database movement, the latest version of Oracle Corporation’s flagship database has eliminated the famous “join penalty” by making it possible to store rows from multiple relational tables in the same database block. There are two flavors of the feature: hash clusters and indexed clusters. Database aficionado Iggy Fernandez has this to say about the feature: “Even Homer Simpson and his Springfield buddies are aware that Oracle Database supports the relational model. However, it is not universally known that Oracle Database 12c also supports the document model. Hash clusters and indexed clusters are critical building blocks of Document/Relational duality, an extension of the physical data independence proposed by Dr. Edgar Codd (1923–2003), the creator of the relational model. Document/Relational duality means that data in an Oracle 12c database can be physically stored in one of the two ways—either as documents or as rows in tables depending on the primary use case—without compromising the ability to expose and manipulate data in the other way. Naysayers will no longer be able to call Oracle Corporation’s commitment to Document/Relational duality into question.” Iggy then ecstatically began singing the 1960s hit song To everything there is a season and a time for every purpose under heaven,” a dead giveaway to his age.

Document/Relational duality means that data in an Oracle Database can be physically stored in one of the two ways—either as documents or as rows in tables depending on the primary use case—without compromising the ability to expose and manipulate data in the other way.

For more information about hash clusters and indexed clusters, please refer to the Oracle Concepts manual.

YouTube announces it will be shutting down after eight years in business

Explosive Revelations about Dr. Edgar Codd rock the NoSQL World

Categories: April Fools' Day, NoSQL, Oracle, SQL

Explosive Revelations about Dr. Edgar (Ted) Codd rock the NoSQL World

March 31, 2012 2 comments

FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE

Explosive Revelations about Dr. Edgar (Ted) Codd rock the NoSQL World

San Francisco (April 1, 2012) – An explosive article titled A Relational Model of Data for Large Shared Data Banks published in the 100th issue of the NoCOUG Journal reveals that the late founder of the relational movement Dr. Edgar (Ted) Codd (August 23, 1923–April 18, 2003) also founded the NoSQL movement. On the last page of the article, we find the first ever exposition of the BASE paradigm (Basically Available, Soft State, Eventually Consistent) of NoSQL.

“There are, of course, several possible ways in which a system can detect inconsistencies and respond to them. In one approach the system checks for possible inconsistency whenever an insertion, deletion, or key update occurs. Naturally, such checking will slow these operations down. If an inconsistency has been generated, details are logged internally, and if it is not remedied within some reasonable time interval, either the user or someone responsible for the security and integrity of the data is notified. Another approach is to conduct consistency checking as a batch operation once a day or less frequently. Inputs causing the inconsistencies which remain in the data bank state at checking time can be tracked down if the system maintains a journal of all state-changing transactions. This latter approach would certainly be superior if few non-transitory inconsistencies occurred.”

Checking for possible inconsistency whenever an insertion, deletion, or key update occurs will slow these operations down.

An analysis of Dr. Codd’s writings from the last century also reveal Codd’s little concealed distaste for SQL. For example, he devotes the whole of Chapter 23 of The Relational Model for Database Management: Version 2 to a no-holds-barred criticism of SQL.

Dr. Codd did not win any followers during his lifetime but there are now more than 100 NoSQL products that espouse his principles.

For more on this breaking story, stay tuned to our sister station.

Obama Criticized For Living In Lavish Mansion While Most Americans Struggle To Make Ends Meet

Categories: April Fools' Day, Humor, NoSQL, SQL

Secret of Oracle Database Performance Found in 1897 Sears Roebuck Catalog

April 1, 2011 5 comments

Redwood City (April 1, 2011) – In between mouthfuls of raw tofu slices delicately dressed with chili oil and shredded seaweed, Oracle CEO Larry Ellison related his game-changing epiphany about database performance.

“My personal ivory buyer was showing me a picture of ivory chopsticks in the 1897 Sears Roebuck catalog when I noticed the following words at the back of the catalog: IF YOU DON’T FIND IT IN THE INDEX, LOOK VERY CAREFULLY THROUGH THE ENTIRE CATALOG.

That’s when the truth hit me like a ton of bricks. Physical database design is hard. There are few good books about it. Why should our loyal customers spend a lot of money on database consultants when they can spend an equal amount of money on Oracle software and hardware instead. We could tell em to stop worrying about indexes, clustering, partitioning, and materialization and sell em a big honkin’ piece of hardware that can simply scan entire tables every time.”

Instructions in the 1897 Sears Roebuck catalog

Mr. Ellison went on: “It’s not that we haven’t tried the traditional route. Consider Multidimensional Clustering for example. We’ve offered it from day one but the only places it is ever used are the Oracle data dictionary and our own TPC-C benchmarks. It’s time to admit that our customers are right and to give them what they want, not what they need.”

When asked how he came up with the “Smart Scan” moniker for what was formerly called a full table scan, Mr. Ellison was equally candid. “When other companies sell fish, they bill it as dead fish. We call it sushi.”

When told that a certain database maverick named Iggy Fernandez had started writing a book with the ridiculously long title of “Expert Oracle Indexing, Clustering, Partitioning, and Materialization for Performance and Scalability in Oracle Database 11g Release 2” that he hopes to release in time for OpenWorld 2011, Mr. Ellison let out a derisive snort and predicted that Mr. Fernandez was unlikely to get rich from it. When contacted for comment, Mr. Fernandez reluctantly agreed with Mr. Ellison’s prediction and quoted American poet laureate Robert Frost “Two roads diverged in a wood, and I—I took the one less traveled by.”

For more on this breaking story, stay tuned to our sister station.

Oracel CEO Tearfully Promises Reform

Multidimensional Clustering (MDC) in Oracle Database: Can Exadata Beat This?

Categories: April Fools' Day, DBA, Humor, Oracle, SQL

Oracel CEO Tearfully Promises Reform


FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE

Oracel CEO Tearfully Promises Reform

Neverland (April 1, 2010) – Speaking to reporters by satellite phone from aboard his brand new yacht during a provisioning stop on the sunny isle of Neverland, Oracel CEO Larry Ellis tearfully promised that Oracel would consider mending its ways someday.

When asked to explain the abrupt about face, Larry Ellis picked up a well-thumbed copy of the Oracel 7 Server ™ Concepts Manual and solemnly intoned the opening quote from the chapter on data concurrency: A foolish consistency is the hobgoblin of little minds, adored by little statesmen and philosophers and divines.”

When contacted for further comment, Oracel President Charles Philippe shook his head sadly and suggested that Larry had been breathing too much salt air. Quoth he: With consistency a great soul has simply nothing to do. He may as well concern himself with his shadow on the wall. Speak what you think now in hard words; and to-morrow speak what to-morrow thinks in hard words again, though it contradict every thing you said to-day.”

For more on this breaking story, stay tuned to our sister station.

PostgreSQL to remove SQL support from the 9.1 release

Categories: April Fools' Day, Humor
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